Whining Solutions
Whining Solutions
Kids whine. It’s a fact of life. Be it for more juice, a new toy, or simply to stay up past their bedtime, kids have employed whining for ages to get their way. Whining is downright annoying. And it’s easy to lose your cool and respond harshly too. But wait! Why not nip whining in the bud without the tears?
Why kids whine
For kids to get what they want, they first need your attention. What with e-mail, the TV, a stereo blasting in the background, other grown-ups with stories to tell, getting your attention can be hard work. So a child often has no choice but to raise his/ her voice higher and higher and persist at it till a grown-up responds. A whiner, says Jane Nielsen, co-author of Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, seeks reaction—any reaction—even if it is negative. So when you react with a scolding, your child is actually learning that whining works.
What to do about it
Expect children to whine. Several times a day even. In fact, whining is probably the one thing every child—from toddlers to teenagers—has in common. Here’s how you can handle it, without raising your voice:
DON’T yell or whine yourself. You will only be teaching your child to do the same.
DO offer praise when your child asks for something without whining. Positive reinforcement breeds good behaviour!
DON’T say “stop whining”. It rarely works. With toddlers, they may not have grasped what whining means so issuing this warning is only going to get you blank stares. With older kids, it sounds like you are engaging them in a verbal power struggle and they’re going to start negotiating in other ways that you may not like.
DO say, in as even-toned a voice as possible: “Timmy, can you use your normal voice to ask for what you want? That way I can hear you more clearly.”
DO help your younger child to recognise whining. You could try using imitation, albeit in a non-teasing way, to teach your toddler or preschooler the difference between a whiny voice and a normal voice.
DON’T bribe. It is very tempting to say “If you stop whining, I’ll give you what you want.” It teaches them that they can manipulate you. And if you don’t keep your end of the bargain, they may not either.
DO say something like, “Sometimes, you get what you want and sometimes you don’t. If you ask nicely, we can talk about it and try to find a way to make the both of us happy.”
DON’T expect perfect behaviour. Sometimes kids need to make a hullabaloo to discover a better way to do things. You can set up ‘whining zones’ such as in your child’s bedroom, so that your child can still express his/ her feelings.
DO set up ‘whine-free’ zones too. Especially in the living room or when someone is visiting. This teaches the child that whining is totally not allowed when Mummy is having company.
DO encourage written expression. You can ask an older child to write down his whines. Help by telling your child that you will listen to written whines but not verbal ones.
DON’T give in. Sometimes, when you’re so tied up with things, it can be easy to cave in to whining. Children do what works for them. If a child finds out that there will be times when you are going to succumb, there is no reason for him/ her to do it any another way.
DO be firm. Set concrete rules when it comes to whining. Show your child lovingly but firmly that whining does not work in your family. When you are unshakeable, your child will eventually realise that whining is not profitable and drop the habit.
DON’T bring a cranky child shopping. When a child is hungry or sleepy, bringing him/ her to stores, the playground or a play date is only going to increase chances of whining.
DO set rules before entering the store. If you must visit a store, set some ground rules with your child about what you are going to buy and what is definitely off-limits.
DON’T get disheartened. Like everything else, whining is a behaviour that can be learned and also discarded. Your child will soon grow to learn new behaviours to replace it. That’s why it is important to persist with your rules or watch your preschooler grow into a whining teen, or worse, adult.
DO observe what sets off whining. Does it peak when your child is near a store? Or at a fast-food outlet? Or when you’ve just got home all hot and bothered after work? Look at whining as what it is—an attempt at getting your notice, not your child purposely trying to wear you down. Ask yourself if you’ve been inadvertently neglecting quality time with your child. By looking at whining triggers and responding appropriately, you may be more successful at quickly preventing the habit.
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